The HETALIA Joke Book
by Epic Hero Laugh
Summary: There are so many good stereotype jokes out there that aren't too offensive. Well, maybe they're still really offensive. But that makes the drawn circle go 'round. Newest Chapter: Stupid-sounding-but-actually-pretty-smart-wishes, Christmas cookies, and Baseball in heaven. Rated for swearing and stupidity. And cannibals.
1. Saint Patrick

**Swearing: This is a story about Great Britain and Ireland. There are going to be swears.**

**Characters used in this (Modified-to-fit-five-characters-and-Hetalia) joke:**

**England**

**Scotland**

**Wales**

**Republic of Ireland**

**Northern Ireland**

**I mean NO offense to people. Please don't think I do. I have an awesome friend from England. I don't hate English people. I do like this joke, and well, I have a lot more. But I am going to change them around so it's not all hating on England. Then I'd feel bad. Poor England.**

**I don't own Hetalia. Or this joke, it's public domain.**

* * *

An Englishman, a Scotsman, a Welshman, an Irishman, and an Irishwoman were all sitting in a pub. Well, actually England's, Scotland's, and Wales' personifications were sitting together while the two Irish country personifications were having their own conversation in the corner with their own Guinnesses. Thank. You. Very Much.

In fact, the only reason anything remotely interesting happened at all is because the three got a touch drunk. The night probably would have gone on without much more than England's shouts about his empire and Scotland putting him into a headlock and screaming in his ear about being a 'wee fecker' in annoyance, but I digress. The fact remains is that the three decided that the Irish needed to be annoyed.

"She's getting on my bloody nerves," England's bushy eyebrows furrowed as he scowled across the room at Ireland, who noticed nothing and merely continued her conversation about bogs with North. Ireland's hair was red, long, and curly and England was just drunk enough to get distracted by the flecks of light bouncing off the shamrock-shaped curl at the end of her ahoge. He shook himself violently.

"Who?" Scotland asked, looking over across the crowded pub. "Ireland? She's always annoying, that one is."

"It's true," Wales nodded. "And North dyed my favorite shirt orange the other day."

"Wanker." England said.

"Well, we know what annoys them," Scotland said with a large grin.

"Hm?" Wales asked, his wavy brown hair falling in his dark green eyes as he scrutinized the two.

"Saint Patrick," England smirked. "We just have to insult Saint Patrick and they'll blow their carrot-tops."

"Yeah." Scotland gave a smirk of his own, though admittedly his was much more impressive than England's. England's eyebrows, though admirable, had nothing on the dark red beasts living above Scotland's green eyes. 'Bigger than a biscuit tin and twice as fluffy as a sheep', people say. But don't touch them, you'll lose your hands and be forced to eat a bowl of haggis like a dog. Don't fuck with Scotland.

"So who wants to go first?" Wales asked.

There was silence. For while they truly were bored and wanted some form of entertainment, no one really wanted to poke the sleeping dragon in the eye.

"I'll go. You're all a bunch a pussies." Scotland sauntered over to Ireland and North's table.

…**.**

Scotland leaned down in between the two. "Enjoying yourselves ladies?"

"It's been grand, thanks Scotland," Ireland took a drink of liquor.

"Not a problem, but I wanted to ask you something."

"Ask away," North took a swig from his own drink.

"Did ye know that," Scotland paused dramatically. "Saint Patrick." Another dramatic pause. "Was a drunk?"

Ireland opened her mouth in outrage and North said smoothly "No, that's very interesting." He kicked her under the table and raised his (thank the heavens and everything below that they were smaller than Scotland's) orange eyebrows.

"Right, yes." Ireland smiled, all teeth, but her foot was grinding a piece of gum into a permanent floor decoration. "Good to know."

Scotland stood there for a second longer before giving a confused look and heading back to England and Wales.

"They didn't care," He said in shock.

England scoffed. "You must've not insulted well enough."

Scotland scowled. "They should've had more of a reaction than they did."

"My turn," Wales said, getting up and walking over to talk to Ireland and North.

**...**

The two were currently trying not to laugh. "That was excellent," Ireland grinned. They clinked pints and waited to see if anyone else would come.

"Hey Erin, Rory. Having a good time?" Wales asked.

"Yeah, brilliant. Want a chair?" North pointed to the unoccupied third chair at the table. "Some random bloke was sitting with us but he disappeared about twenty minutes ago and I'm not really sure where he went."

Ireland snorted. "Either he found a lady friend or he's being robbed." She shrugged. "What can I do for ye?"

"I just had a question," Wales tried to control the evil smile threatening to erupt on his face. "Did you know that Saint Patrick was an old fat bastard?"

"No, that's very interesting." North took a swig of his drink and kept his face neutral.

"Right, yes," Ireland was better prepared to pretend she didn't care this time. "Good to know."

Wales tottered back to his companions in a daze. "It's impossible. They weren't even fazed!"

Scotland laughed. "Ha. Couldn't do it."

Wales opened his mouth to respond with a biting "You couldn't do it either," when England cut in.

"You're both idiots, it's my turn."

**...**

Ireland and North quickly stopped toasting their own genius minds when they saw England approaching.

"Hello, having a nice evening?" He asked pleasantly.

"Just grand, you?" Ireland returned.

"Oh, you know, good enough. I did have a question for the two of you."

"Yeah?" North asked.

"Did you know that Saint Patrick," England paused for effect. "Was English."

_"He._

_Did._

_Not."_

Both Irelands thought. Ireland somehow managed to keep a straight face.

"Yeah, that's what your two brothers were trying to tell me."

England sputtered in outrage. "You!"

The high-pitched screaming could be heard a mile away, accompanied by feminine laughter. You decide which one was England.

* * *

**No offense meant. Please don't hurt me! Jokes like this make the world go 'round. I have some excellent ones about Americans and Canadians and all kinds of horrible but still funny jokes. You'll see...**

**Review please. I'd really appreciate it, even if it's just a smiley or something. Or a joke, because my supply will NOT last forever. Yeah, send me a joke or something :D Please?**


	2. Have you seen Ludwig!

**WOAH. It's another one. These are really fun to do! All the jokes I know are about Europeans. I have maybe one good "Stupid American" joke, so if you have any, I'd be much obliged.**

**Characters in this Joke:**

**Northern Ireland**

**Prussia**

**Germany**

* * *

There was once an Irish soldier named Rory in the English army. He was stuck in the barracks all day when they brought back a prisoner, a man named Ludwig. Rory was then stuck in the barracks for all the next day, watching this… Ludwig. In all honesty, Ludwig was pissing Rory off with his threats of revenge and his yelling at England (Who wasn't even here). Well, Rory had enough. He was getting sick and tired of stupid Ludwig and his stupid voice and stupid yelling about Gilbert and Italy and a whole bunch of shit. Rory just wants one damn cigarette. Or, he thinks after hearing Ludwig threaten England for the millionth time, maybe he just wants Scotland to have to watch Ludwig instead. Rory was not happy at being left behind while his brothers were actually doing something. When the rest of the soldiers came back, Rory shot them all a good glare and said, "I"m going down to the river to have a smoke. You watch the prisoner." As the personification of Northern Ireland, this was actually something he could get away with. He just might get yelled at by an angry brother later.

So Rory heads down to the river. Well, as it turns out, there's a very angry German by the name of Gilbert there, looking for his brother. Funny thing, Rory didn't know, but this Gilbert is brothers with Ludwig. Now, Rory would like nothing better than to give Ludwig a kick in the ass right back to Gilbert, but he knows that he needs to listen to his brothers and fight on his own side. So when Gilbert comes up to him, knocks the cigarette out of his hands, and yells "Have you seen Ludwig?!", Rory has to say no. Even though he'd really really like to say yes because fuck if Ludwig isn't the most annoying fecker he's ever had the displeasure of meeting in his life.

But his refusal makes Gilbert angrier. Rory doesn't really understand why Gilbert actually wants his angry German brother back, but he still says no when Gilbert asks him if he's seen Ludwig. Of course, Gilbert has to have seen the river at some point. He sticks Rory's head underwater for a bit and pulls it out.

"Have you seen Ludwig?!" Gilbert is distressed, but Rory refuses to answer with anything other than "No."

Dunk in the water.

"Have you seen Ludwig?!"

Gasp for air, "No."

Dunk in the water.

"Have you seen Ludwig?!"

Gasp for air, "No."

Dunk in the water.

"Have you seen Ludwig?!"

Gasp for air, "No."

Dunk in the water.

"Have you seen Ludwig?!"

Gasp for air, "No."

Dunk in the water.

"Have you seen Ludwig?!"

Gasp for air, "No."

Dunk in the water.

"Have you seen Ludwig?!"

Gasp for air, "No."

Until finally, Gilbert sticks him in for so long, Rory can actually see spots.

"Have you seen Ludwig?!" Gilbert shouts, red eyes narrowed in anger.

"No!" Rory yells. "Are you sure you left him down there?!"

* * *

Cheeky Irish ;)

Review? Please?


	3. You do everything wrong America

**WARNING**

**Swearing. Because this chapter especially deserves it.**

**It's not exactly a "Dumb American" joke, but it's definitely funny. **

**Characters in this joke:**

**America**

**Ireland**

**Random Angry Englishwoman**

* * *

America was visiting England. Well, technically he was here as a soldier... Damn war in Europe... There were going to be plenty of opportunities to totally kick some ass, but right now he just wanted to get to where we was staying at the moment. So America boarded the train. It was crowded, just enough that all the seats were gone, and he was very tired from his long day. He walked up and down the train a bit, hoping to find an empty seat. He finally found an empty seat near Ireland. He nodded to her and was going to sit when he realized that the seat wasn't as empty as he thought.

The meanest, nastiest, fluffiest little white dog he had ever seen was sitting there. The only person such a monstrosity could belong to was the haughty-looking woman next to it. America steeled himself. This had great potential to turn nasty.

"Ma'am," America said, hoping he could be polite. "Could you please move your dog? Maybe take her on your lap or something so I can sit. Please, it's been a long day."

She merely sniffed and said, "Fluffy has the right to that chair. She shouldn't have to give up her own comfort for your well-being."

America did not appreciate it. Now, normally he was a great lover of dogs (even if he was more of a cat person). However, that little beast was not a dog, it was a rat that was fluffier than a slice of quiche. He, squashing the slight amount of guilt he felt, picked up the "dog" and threw it out the window.

America sat down. The chair really was quite comfy. The woman sputtered in shock and outrage and Ireland got up and slapped him.

"Ow! What was that for!"

"You stupid American!" Ireland yelled. "You drive on the wrong side of the road,"

_Slap_

She continued, "You eat with the wrong fork,"

_Slap_

"You eat with your hand in your damn lap, what the hell are you even doing, pick up your fecking knife?!,"

_Slap_

"You spell things wrong,"

_Slap_

"And you're stupid,"

_Slap_

"But I can not believe you just threw the wrong bitch out the window!"

_Slap_

* * *

**And because that was short, here's a mini (America and Canada)**

* * *

America and Canada were on opposite sides of a river, and Canada wanted to cross.

"How do I get to the other side?" Canada managed to yell across to America.

"You idiot!" America yelled back. "You are on the other side!"

* * *

**Wink. Review please?**


	4. Excuse me?

**Finally, a real dumb American joke. Enjoy the extremely short chapter?**

* * *

(All-human joke with America, Spain, and England)

Alfred, Antonio, and Arthur were all construction workers. Every day they would sit at the top of the scaffolding twenty floors up and eat their lunch. And every day Arthur would have scones, Antonio would have tacos, and Alfred would have a burger.

One day Arthur said, "If my wife packs me scones just one more time, I'm going to throw myself off this scaffolding and kill myself."

Antonio agrees. "If I get tacos one more time, I'm with you."

Alfred nodded. "If I see another burger in my lunch, I'm totally following."

Well, the next day they all have the same lunches as yesterday, and they throw themselves off the building and die.

At the funeral, Mrs. Kirkland was sobbing uncontrollably. "If I'd known he hated scones that much, I wouldn't have packed them every day!"

"I could've just made him a burrito or fajitas instead!" Mrs. Carriedo cried. "My poor Antonio!"

Mrs. Jones just stood there. The entire room stared at her, waiting for her to say something.

She scoffed. "Don't look at me, the idiot packs his own lunch!"

* * *

Japan, England, America and were walking down the street when a woman runs up to them and says "Excuse me, what's your own opinion on the scarcity of meat?"

England says, "What's scarcity?"

Japan says, "What's my own opinion?"

America says, "What the fuck is excuse me?"

* * *

Lithuania and Poland were waiting for a train underground in a tunnel, and there was a vendor selling bananas. Poland turned to Lithuania (After fixing his hair, because clearly that was more important. Clearly.) and asked if he, "like, wanted one." Lithuania said, "Sure," and so they each bought a banana. Just as Poland took a bite of his, a train passed through the tunnel. When the train passed, Lithuania unpeeled his banana, and Poland smacked it out of his hand.

"You like, can't eat that!" Poland yelled.

"Why not? It's just a banana, I couldn't eat it now anyway," Lithuania said sadly, looking at the now-smushed banana on the ground.

"I took a bite and went blind for half a minute!" Poland shrieked.

Lithuania face-pamled.

* * *

**Ah, Poland.**

**Review please, I'd appreciate it :D**

**Please?**


	5. Yeah, Stupid Cannibal!

**Enjoy! There's a Newfie joke here. See if you can spot it. It should be remarkably easy...**

**(All human joke)**

There were three guys, Alfred from America, Ivan from Russia, and Matthew from Canada. They were all going to be executed. The executioner said that since all three were to be executed that night, that they would each get to choose the method by which they would die.

Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging.

Alfred was afraid of needles (Though he said he totally wasn't) and didn't want to be hanged (Ouch much?). So Alfred chose the electric chair. He sat in the chair and they pulled the switch and nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happens a second time that he could go free. They tried a second time and again nothing happened so they set him free.

Ivan was also afraid of needles (What did you say?) and didn't want to be hanged (That would be very painful, da?) so he too chose the electric chair. Once again, the chair didn't work and he was free.

Next it was Matthew's turn to pick how he was to be executed. He said "I'm afraid of needles and the electric chair doesn't work so you're going to have to hang me."

**(All human)**

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. Scott the Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. The hens always had at least one egg, and he was surprised when there were no eggs one morning.

He left the henhouse and saw that the hen had laid an egg in Arthur the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw Arthur pick up the egg. Scott ran up to Arthur and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. Arthur disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally Scott said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I punch you in the nose and note how long it takes you to recover, then you punch me in the nose and note how long it takes for me to recover, whomever recovers quicker wins the egg."

Arthur looked skeptical, but in the end he agreed to this and so Scott took a few steps back and then ran toward Arthur and punched him as hard as he could in the nose. Arthur fell to the ground and was howling in agony and holding his nose for thirty minutes.

Eventually Arthur stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to punch you."

Scott smirked and said, "Keep the lousy egg."

**(Nations)**

Northern Ireland, England, and a pretty girl were sitting together in a carriage in a train going through France (snicker). Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.

Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, the pretty girl and North were sitting as if nothing had happened and England had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.

England was thinking: "North must have kissed that girl and she missed him and slapped me instead. Wanker."

The pretty girl was thinking: "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it."

North was thinking: "This is great! The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that idiot again!"

**Warning, horribly morbid (All human)**

"Alfred, you're a total idiot!" Arthur struggled against the ropes, his hair sticking up madly. Francis also glared at the American.

"I didn't know there were cannibals here! How the hell would I have known that?"

"You should check before taking us on one of your stupid shortcuts!" Francis spat at him.

The chief walked up. "The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die."

With a last glare at Alfred, Francis says, "I will take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, "Viva la France!" and runs himself through.

Arthur and Alfred sit for a moment, very sad.

Then Arthur says, "A pistol for me please." The chief gives him a pistol, and Arhur points it at his head and says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

Alfred looks at his friend and feels horribly guilty. Then he says, "Gimme a fork!" The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. Alfred takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over-the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, it's really just horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, "My God, what are you doing?"

And Alfred responds, "So much for your canoe you stupid cannibal! Row me now you bastard!"

**(Nations)**

America and Russia, while at the height of the arms race, realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.

One day America and Russia decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever man's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing country would have to lay down its arms. The Russians (with Ceiling Russia watching) found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. His cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it. Russia was quite smug and drank a lot of vodka to celebrate.

When the day came for the fight, America showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for America because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with Russia's.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When Russia's dog jumped up to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund leaned over and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

Russia came up to America in total shock "I don't understand how this could have happened. I had my best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing," America replied. "I had my best plastic surgeons working for five years trying to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.'"

**(Also Nations)**

Holland and American were having a nice little chat about things (Cough, weed, cough) and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.

"My flag symbolizes our taxes," He said. "I get red when I talk about them, white when I get my tax bill, and blue after I pay them."

"That's the same with me," America said, "Only I see stars, too!"

**Review maybe?**


	6. MarriageCouple Jokes

**Marriage/Couple jokes. Oh dear lord.**

**Please, even in Hetalia, couples will fight. Just some will fight more than others :D And with more bite. (England... France... Romano...)**

**EVERYONE: You should really read Fruity-Dragonfly's stories. She has awesome stuff! **

**...**

Germany and Italy were in a lovely relationship but were slightly frustrated with each other because Italy thought Germany was too controlling and Germany thought that Italy wasn't independent enough, but that's really not important at the moment. Just know that they're not as happy with each other as usual. One day while at a meeting, Italy got up and gave a presentation on how pasta can fix global warming. The rest of the nations, after that horrible presentation, decided it was time for a break.

Germany and Italy were alone in the room, and Italy put away his laptop and bounced over to Germany. "Did you like my presentation Doitsu?"

Even America had thought the idea was stupid.

Germany just looked at him. "Italia, how can you be so attractive and yet so unbelievably stupid at the same time?"

Italy thought about it for a second before responding, "Ve~ Doitsu, I think I figured it out! I was made attractive so you would be attracted to me. I was made stupid so I would be attracted to you."

**...**

France and England got into a little fight. Actually, maybe not so little. Maybe it had actually destroyed the lobby of the hotel they were staying in. They were now giving each other the silent treatment. France knew that he had to get up at five the next morning to make it to the airport on time to fly back to Paris. France also knew that he didn't want to be the one to break the silence and "lose." Before going to bed, he wrote

_Angleterre, please wake me up at five tomorrow morning_

on a post-it and placed it where he knew England would see it. Then he went to bed. He woke up the next morning at eleven with England gone and having missed his flight. Furious, he goes to pick up his phone to call England when he sees a post-it note on the bedside table. It said

_It's five o'clock, wake up frog._

France is not equipped for this kind of fight.

**...**

A Chinese man and a Southern Italian, who were both married to other people, found themselves in the same overnight carriage of a train. They were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, the Italian in the lower berth and the Chinese man in the upper. At one AM, the Chinese man leaned down and gently woke up the Canadian, saying "I'm very sorry to bother you, but could you please reach into the closet and get me another blanket? It's awfully cold in here, aru."

The Italian said "I have a better idea. Just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

"That sounds fine."

"Good," The Italian replied, snuggling under his blankets further. "Now get your own fucking blanket."

**...**

Matthew invited his papa, Francis, over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Francis couldn't help but notice Matthew's roommate Alfred, and how close the two were. Having been suspicious of a relationship between the two for a long while, this only made him more curious. Knowing his father too well, Matthew said, "I know what you must be thinking papa, but I can assure you that Alfred and I are just friends."

"Yeah, we're total bros!" Alfred chimed in, grinning madly.

A few days later, Alfred and Matthew were doing homework for their respective majors and Alfred suddenly said, "You know Matthew, ever since your dad came for dinner I haven't been able to find the remote. You don't suppose he put it away somewhere, do you?"

Matthew thought for a second. "I don't think so, but maybe he tried to help out and accidentally put it somewhere. I'll send him an email."

He wrote:

_Dear Papa,_

_The television remote has been missing ever since you came for dinner. I'm not saying you did take the remote, and I'm not saying you didn't, but the fact remains is that it's been gone ever since you were here._

_Love,_

_Matthew_

Several days later, Matthew received an email back.

_Dear Matthew,_

_I am not saying that you are sleeping with Alfred, I'm not saying that you aren't. But the fact remains that if Alfred was sleeping in his own bed, he'd have found the remote by now under his pillow._

_Love,_

_Papa_

**...**

Kiku was working as a supermarket cashier when a woman with an orange flower in her hair put a few things on the counter to be scanned.

Kiku struck a conversation up with her about the manga she was buying (He had spotted it hidden between the milk and Goldfish crackers) and learned that her name was Elizabeta. She opened up her purse to pay and Kiku saw that it had about ten different containers of rosin for violin bows.

"Do you always carry things for instrument care in your purse?" Kiku asked politely.

Elizabeta laughed. "No, but I'm mad at my husband and this was the worst thing I could do to him legally."

**...**

Bella entered a casino. She seemed very drunk and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said to Kiku and Im Yong Soo, the dealers, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier with my top off." With that, she stripped from the waist up, rolled the dice, and yelled, "Come on dice, I need a big win!" The dice came to a stop, and Bella jumped up and down in celebration, yelling "Yes! I won! I won!" She hugged Kiku and Im Yong Soo, giving them big kisses on the cheeks. Then she picked up her winnings and put her top back on before quickly departing.

Kiku and Im Yong Soo looked at each other, dazed and sporting nosebleeds.

"What did she roll?" Kiku asked.

"I don't know daze~, I thought you were watching," Im Yong Soo replied.

(Bella is Belgium)

**...**

England staggered home after a long night drinking. He took off his shoes at the door to avoid waking up his boyfriend, America. He tiptoed as quietly as he could up the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. He caught himself by grabbing the banister, but his body swung around and the bottle of rum in his back pocket broke when he landed on his butt. Managing not to yell out, England looked into the hall mirror to see that his behind was bleeding. Quietly, he got a box of bandaids and put them on his butt the best he could wherever he saw blood. Then he hid the empty box and went up to bed.

He woke up to a searing pain in both his butt and head as well as a disapproving America staring at him from across the room. America said, "You were drunk again last night, weren't you?"

England feigned hurt at the statement. "What makes you say that?"

"Well Iggy," America said. "It could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, or it could be the drops of blood leading al over the house. But mostly it's all the bandaids stuck at butt-height on the hall mirror."

**...**

Spain woke up one morning with a huge hangover after going out after the meeting yesterday. He forced himself to open up his eyes and the first thing he sees is a glass of water and a couple aspirin on the bedside table. He sits up and sees all his clothes set out, washed, and neatly ironed. His room is spotless, certainly not how he left it. The rest of his house is also clean, and so he takes the aspirin and gets dressed. He's rather confused, because Romano wasn't really one to clean, and the only other nation staying in the house was Italy, who also wasn't one to clean. Spain then spotted a note on the bedside table he hadn't noticed and it says

_Hey tomato-bastard, breakfast is on the stovetop, and I left to run some errands. Love you~_

Spain wanders into the kitchen and sees Italy at the table, eating some pasta. There's more on the stove, and Spain is slightly confused, but he serves himself and sits at the table.

"Italy, what happened last night?" Spain asks.

"Well, you came home after 3 AM, drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye banging into a door."

Spain was very confused. "So why is everything in order and so clean with breakfast on the table?"

Italy smiled. "Oh, Romano dragged you upstairs and when he tried to take your pants off to put you to bed you yelled, 'Leave me alone, I have a boyfriend!'"

**...**

(For A Fleeting Phantom's OTP.)

Antonio and Prussia were out drinking together.

Neither is really in the mood to do anything wild, so they just sit unusually quietly. Suddenly Antonio says, "Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and Romano STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

Prussia looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, rub him up and down, and yell 'Hey England, are you horny as I am?' He's always fast asleep."

**...**

America and Russia are in a conversation about marriage.

"If you were my husband I'd poison your coffee," Russia says.

America scoffs. "If you were my husband Russia, I'd drink it."

**...**

Antonio, Gilbert, and Francis were out drinking and discussing how they thought their husbands were cheating on them.

"I found a wrench under our bed, I think Lovi is cheating on me with an mechanic!" Antonio wailed and the other two consoled him.

"I found a frying pan under ours, I think he's cheating on me with a chef," Gilbert said shakily and the other two consoled him.

"That's nothing!" Francis exclaimed, looking horribly sad. "I found a cowboy under our bed, I think he's cheating on me with a horse!" The other two consoled him.

**...**

Yao and Ivan had been married for years, and they always argued. When they had a fight, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

A constant statement was heard by the neighbors, and it freaked them out. Ivan would always say, "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

Ivan died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, Yao went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of his actions were becoming extreme while the neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:

"Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? That this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

Yao snorted, put down his drink and said. . .  
"Nah... let him dig. I had him buried upside down, aru!"

**...**

Arthur and Francis were out golfing together. There were two men ahead of them and they both really sucked at golf. The game was dragging on forever, and finally Francis turned to Arthur and said, "Should I ask them to let us go ahead?"

Arthur nodded. "Yes, that might be a good idea."

Francis walked over across a bit of golf course before he suddenly turned and bolted back. "It's my boyfriend and the one I'm cheating on him with!" He hissed, completely freaked out.

"I'll go ask them." Arthur walked over a bit of golf course be he too suddenly turned and bolted back to Francis.

"What is it?" Francis asked, alarmed.

Arthur smiled sheepishly and rubbed the back of his head, "Heheh, small world."

**...**

**Ha. Maybe I'll find more marriage jokes another time. I would have done one with Sweden and Finland, but I couldn't find a good one to use.**

**Oh, if you ever want me to do a joke with specific characters, let me know and I'll put them in one.**

**By the way Germany: Do you need some aloe vera for that burn? :D**


	7. Fluffy the Genie's first appearance

**Just one joke this time. But it's a good one :D**

**Or at least I think it is...**

The day was Monday, and England was not pleased. He was stuck in Italy for _meetings_, and the nations around him were being immature. Germany was nowhere to be seen, Japan was drawing something, Russia was scratching a design onto his beloved pipe (and England just had to shudder at the thought of what could have happened that would make Russia want to deface his pipe), Italy was face-planted in a bowl of pasta, sound asleep (though England could hear the sounds of what seemed to be sleep-eating coming from him), and France and America were playing naughts and crosses with little drawings of wine glasses and burgers instead of X's and O's while Canada watched. That had to be the longest game of naughts and crosses he'd ever seen, as each would pause and add details to the drawings. England had to admit that the drawings were good, but what the HELL was wrong with letters?

Then the room was filled with blue smoke. There was a loud thunk and shattering of glass that could only be Italy falling off of his chair.

"What the hell?!" America yelled.

"I am the genie of overly long and detailed tic-tac-toe games!" A hot pink man that look like he came straight out of the movie Aladdin (minus the facial hair and instead having a rather large rainbow afro) appeared in front of them, and the smoke disappeared in about two seconds. All the nations stared at him disbelievingly. The genie's face gained a defensive look. "Don't judge, pink is a lovely color! I am here to grant each of you a wish! Everyone! Wishes for ALL!"

"Are you one of those genies that grants wishes in the worst way possible?" America asked fearfully.

"I'm pink. What do you think?!" The genie exclaimed.

"No?" Japan asked hesitantly.

"Of course I'm not! I'll grant your wishes in wonderful ways! And send you home after!"

This genie was way too damn happy.

"Mr Genie, what's your name?" Italy asked, waving his hands around.

"I'm Charles Alexander Fluffington the fourth. You can can call me Fluffy."

"Can I call you Charles instead?" England asked.

"Nope! My name is Fluffy! What's your wish?" He turned to Italy.

"I wish for a bowl that will fill up with whatever kind of pasta I like unlimited!"

The genie snapped and a bowl appeared on the table. Italy picked it up and disappeared. "Your turn," Fluffy said to Russia.

"I wish Belarus would lose her crazy crush on me!"

The genie snapped his fingers and the air in the room warmed two degrees.

"Done. She's not stalking you anymore." Russia disappeared.

'That had been odd,' England thought

Fluffy turned to Canada "What is your wish?"

"Not to be forgotten anymore," Canada said immediately.

Fluffy snapped his fingers. "It's done. None of your friends or enemies will forget you."

Canada gave a wavering smile and disappeared as the genie turned to America.

"What is your wish?"

"I want super powers!"

Fluffy snapped. "You have super strength."

America furrowed his brows and he flexed his arms. He reached over and picked up the wooden table they were sitting at.

"I'm not any stronger!" He exclaimed.

"You already had super strength?" Fluffy asked. "Sorry, I didn't know. I can't do anything now though."

America pouted and disappeared.

"You," Fluffy nodded at Japan.

"I wish that I could draw my manga faster and more accurately."

"Done, now it's your turn," Fluffy said to France. Japan disappeared.

France smirked. "My country is being influenced too much by your stupid outside influences. I wish for a wall to be built around France, but not me, you know what I mean," Fluffy nodded. "Nothing can get in or out without the use of airplanes."

Fluffy snapped his fingers. "Done. There is now a big tall wall built around France." France disappeared.

England thought about it. "Tell me more about this wall."

"It's a high wall," Fluffy replied. "It surrounds France. Nothing can get in or out."

"Then," England said. "Fill it with water."

***Dies laughing* Oh England.**


	8. I Had a Dream

**Alternate storyline of the cannibal joke ;D**

Arthur, Francis, and Alfred were captured by cannibals and were tied up over a large pot of boiling water to be made into soup.

A few minutes later, Alfred started to laugh uncontrollably.

Arthur and Francis couldn't believe it! Arthur said, ''What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're going to eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?''

Alfred kept laughing, ''I just peed in the soup!''

* * *

**Light Reading Part 1**

1. French War Heroes

2. The Scottish Book of Knowledge

**Because poor France has been getting a lot of crap lately.**

**I had a dream**

England and America were, for once, talking peacefully together when they got onto the subject of dreams.

"I had a lovely dream about Washington DC," England said. "There were Union Flags flying from every building, and the Prime Minister was sitting in your oval office. It was strange, but overall a very good dream. There was also a big banner that said, 'Three Hundredth anniversary of the colonization of one of England's most favored colonies.'"

America was slightly taken aback, but he responded quickly. "I had a dream about London, and there was a great big banner in the middle, with words on it, and everything looked really awesome."

England smiled, pleased. "What did the banner say?"

"There was a lot of writing on it, but it blew away before I could read much more than the first three words. 'Vive la France'"

America wore a black eye to the next World Meeting.

**A genie on a desert island.**

Yong Soo, Yao, and Kiku found a genie's lamp while stuck on a desert island with no random magical Chinatown.

The genie (a much grumpier, very distant relative of Fluffy), told them that they each got one wish.

Kiku wished for a large boat so he could sail back home. such a boat appeared, and he climbed aboard and sailed off.

Yao wished for a plane so he could fly home. A plane appeared, and he flew off.

Yong Soo couldn't think of anything, and he puzzled out loud for a while Before saying, "Genie, I don't know what to wish for." Then under his breath he mumbled, "I wish Kiku and Yao were here to help me decide."

***facepalm***

**Yet another genie joke. It took me longer than I'd like to admit to Get the punchline. I then felt stupid.**

Feliciano Vargas was happily playing on the beach when he found a most curious lamp. He rubbed the sand off carefully, and suddenly a genie appeared in front of him.

"I will grant you three wishes!" The genie announced.

"I don't know what to wish for," Feliciano said before he brightened. "I know! Genie, I'd like some pasta."

A bowl of pasta appeared in his hands and Feliciano smiled.

"This bowl will refill with any kind of food you like an unlimited number of times," The genie said.

Feliciano did a little dance, "I want two more then!"

**That's all for now guys. Sorry for taking so long. **


	9. Not sure if made with love

**Sorry about the loooooonnnggg wait. I got banned from the computer. I just got it back and have claimed I won't do anything but homework. Oops. *Shrug***

**Since destiny1 and froggiecool are like, the coolest people ever, they sent me some jokes. Sorry guys, I changed the jokes a bit. Don't be too offended. I've just heard a couple of them told differently and got confused. Then I didn't feel like changing them back. Voila~**

Poland was walking through the woods when he came across a magic lamp. He rubbed it, and Fluffy the magical genie popped out to offer him three wishes. "For my first wish," says Poland, "I like, totally want China to like, invade Warsaw then retreat. For my second wish, I'd totally love it if you could make China invade Warsaw, then retreat. And for my totally rockin' third wish, I'd like China to like, invade Warsaw then totally just retreat. Oh, and I love the wicked hipster pink shade of your hair."

"Thanks! No one appreciates good old wicked hipster pink anymore!" Fluffy said with a happy look on his face. "And about those wishes, I don't think you'll enjoy them very much."

"Yes, I totally will," Poland replied, "I'm totally just gonna sit back and like, watch China cross Russia a bunch of times~"

**:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D**

England, Scotland, and Northern Ireland walked into a pub one night for a drink. They each ordered their drinks, and just as they were about to drink it (England could've sworn he heard America chanting "Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!" in the distance, but no matter), a fly lands in each of their drinks.

"That's disgusting," England made a face. "Could I get another?" The bartender gets him another and rolls his eyes as he hands it to him.

Scotland smirked at his brother before he simply reached in, pulled it out, and drank his liquor calmly.

North scowled into the glass before he pulled out the fly and started shaking it "Spit it out ye motherfucker! That's mine you bastard. Give it back!"

**:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D**

Germany was walking his dogs one day when one fell in the water. Of course, being Germany, he jumped in after the dog without a second thought. He loved his dogs.

He struggled out of the river, clutching the dog. He sighed in relief after seeing that the animal was fine.

A small crowd had gathered, and one concerned bystander asked, "Are you a vet?"

"Vet?" Germany asked. "Vet? I'm fucking soaking you dummkopf!"

**:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D**

America was thirsty. England had just put him to bed, but he still wriggled around, despite England reading him a couple stories. "England!" America yelled. England was downstairs at the moment, settling in with a book, and he sighed when he heard the small, slightly muffled yell.

"What?" England shouted. It took forever to get America asleep.

"I'm thirsty," America said, "Can you bring me a drink of water?"

"No," England called back. "You had your chance. Lights out!" Five minutes passed. England was just beginning to relax again when America yelled out.

"Englaaaaaaaannnnd!" shouted America. "What?" England snapped. He'd already read the boy three long stories, couldn't America just sleep?

"I'm thirsty," said America, "Can I have a drink of water?"

"I said no!" England shouted back, "And, if you ask me again, I'll smack you bottom." America was quiet. Five minutes later...

"Eeeeeeenglaaaaaannndddd!" shouted America.

"WHAT?!" yelled England.

"When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?"'

**:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D**

Churchill, Roosevelt, and Stalin were having a discussion (they just want bragging rights) about the bravery of their personifications. "I'll show you how brave Russia is," Stalin says and he calls Russia over.

"Climb up that flagpole and jump off," Stalin says, pointing to a 25-meter flagpole. Russia shrugs and does so, landing without injury.

Roosevelt scoffed and called America over. "Hey, America, I want you to jump off the top of that peak on the roof." The peak was two floors below the top of the six-floor building. America gave him a disbelieving look before realizing he was serious. He ran off grinning so he could jump off the building. He landed without injury and saluted before bouncing off to do whatever.

Churchill scoffed. "England, come here."

England did so.

"England, I want you to jump off the top of that building," Churchill pointed to the six-floor building. "All the way from the roof."

"You're out of your bloody mind!" England said. "Fuck no!"

England stalked off, grumbling about stupid bosses and Churchill smiled smugly at his companions. "Now that's bravery."

**:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D**

Berwald was very sick and had reached the end of his life. In fact, the doctor had even said that he only had 24 hours left.  
While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite cookies (Christmas sugar cookies made by Tino) wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.  
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.  
With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite, pine-tree-shaped, perfectly-frosted cookies. Was it heaven?  
Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted "wife" of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.  
His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by Tino...  
"Back off!" he said, "They're for the funeral."

**:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D**

Two buddies, Peter and Raivis, were two of the biggest baseball fans in the world. Their entire adult lives, Peter and Raivis discussed baseball history in the winter, and they poured over every box score during the season. They went to sixty games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven. One summer night, Peter passed away in his sleep after watching a Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy.  
A few nights later, his buddy, Raivis, awoke to the sound of Peter's voice from beyond. "Peter is that you?" Raivis asked.  
"Of course it's me," Peter replied.  
"This is unbelievable!" Raivis exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"  
"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"  
"Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Raivis."

"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"  
"You're pitching tomorrow night."

**OOC Tino. And apparently Sealand and Latvia really like baseball. :)**


End file.
